"Nice Guys" are Wankers

Absolute Prick

 I love nice men.  I love clever, warm, and vibrant men.  It's not a coincidence that I hold women to the same standards of  conduct, but I've spent enough blogspace yelling at 21st century women to shut their pie holes and get with the "let's be reasonable human beings" program.

That's why I was so happy to see Lore Sjoberg do my dirty work for me when it comes to calling so-called "nice guys" out on their bullshit.

Too lazy to click the link?

Here's the highlights:

Guys, you’re not “too nice.” That’s like saying you can’t get seated at an L.A. restaurant because you’re too famous.

For some reason, you think “nice” means “completely devoid of sexual energy.” When you’re attracted to someone, you treat her like you’re her brother. Her brother the priest. Her brother the elderly Victorian priest who is actually a large stuffed animal. Then when some guy comes along and does a little thoughtful flirting and actually gets her attention, you think “Man, that guy’s a jerkface.”

You don’t know many women. Having been passed on by the six or seven ladyfolks you see on a regular basis, you are now ready to assume that all women are deeply broken individuals who don’t know what’s good for them. Somehow you think that treating all women as freely interchangable mentally damaged goods is compatible with being “nice.”

You’re one of those guys who wishes he lived in the Arthurian era — which is to say an era that never actually existed — and who actually uses the word prithee. You practice some sort of demented Hollywood version of chivalry. When women are creeped out by this, you assume they don’t like nice guys, rather than assuming more accurately that they have no desire to get involved with your little love-LARP.

[Ed. Note: Dudes who say "My Lady" is reason #746 why Renfaires make me stabby; this despite owning a purloined box of vintage 12th century women's garments for my own sick amusement. Eleanor of Aquitaine was sooooo pissed when that circa-1996 64megabyte mp3 player ran out of batteries. No more Abba for you, Lainey!]

They want to be Someone’s Boyfriend, as if that will solve all their personal problems. 

Or just watch this:

I Wonder What Spiderman is Up To Today...

... Nevermind.

Bionic Kitty

The first sixteen times I saw this headline I was all "OMG YAWN" and "OMG DON'T LET IT JUMP ON MY LAP FUCK OW THAT WILL HURT".

But then it started jumping on things and I was all like "Hey, this is pretty cool."


... But not as cool as this:

The Secret Powers of Time

Your geography is why you're lazy, children are hedonistic shitheads wherever you are, and Jewish Sicilian scientists get way too excited about revolutions in how people think that are collective reactions to hidden psychological cues in present technology rather than any fundamental shift in human psychology.

Life marches on.

Bad Chemistry

I wish anthropomorphism was always this sexy.

A Glimpse into the Post-American Future

Back when I come from, they recently featured "Swiss Miss Throwback", made with real (but more expensive) cow milk instead of the cheaper petrol lactose hydrate.

Kitten in a Hat Part Deux

Think of all the times YOU got smacked and you didn't even get ice cream afterwards.

"Oooooh!  But Beryllium!  Ice Cream is BAD for kittens!"  That kitten just got the beating of its life and it can eat WHATEVER THE FUCK IT WANTS.

At least we didn't put it in a blender.

Neko Case will Fuck You Up

I get my bad attitude from my great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother's side.

Today in Do-Gooder Overreactions

Because the fire department has nothing better to do than chase after you for this.

Redesign

It's boring and just as fugly as before, but at least it has that sexy web 2.0 veneer... and that's what really matters, isn't it?

I'll add a shinier title added! and more glitz in coming days, but in the meantime, do you designer types have advice for the color scheme?

Edit:  Stripped the silhouette and circular design, the text is sitting in a funny place w/out them, but the callgirl vibe was just bugging me too much.

Edit:  The dead-simple route... slap a logo on it.

Edit:  It is now officially awesome.

Future Retro Future

From the Website:

"   What would you do if you could travel back in time? Assassinate Marilyn Monroe? Go on a date with Hitler? Obviously. But here's what I'd do after that: grab all the modern technology I could find, take it to the late 70's, superficially redesign it all to blend in, start a consumer electronics company to unleash it upon the world, then sit back as I rake in billions, trillions, or even millions of dollars. "

"   I've explored that idea in this series by re-imagining four common products from 2010 as if they were designed in 1977: an mp3 player, a laptop, a mobile phone and a handheld video game system. I then created a series of fictitious but stylistically accurate print ads to market them, as well as a handful of abstract posters (you know, just for funsies).   "

Disclaimer:  Alex Varanese is a time agent who's generating nostalgia-buzz for the scheduled rollout of the Pre-Advanced Technology Initiative of 2136.  Just try not to fuck the earth up TOO much until then, because little technological pushes like these are easier to introduce at an earlier date than, say, bio-engineered cows that breathe methane and fart oxygen to the year 1842.  Holy fuck was THAT ever a disaster.

Ah, the 1950s...

A simpler time.  Men were men and the giraffes were men and you always took your plastic helmet off when a lady entered the room.

KILL IT KILL IT ICKY EW EW GROSS

Oil Spill Threatens  Louisiana Pancake Batfish

Dudda-dudda-dudda-dudda-dudda-- BATFISH!

Time Travel Myths

Cracked.com: 6 Time Travel Realities Doc Brown Didn't Warn Us About

Myth #6: You Die Faster

By the time you guys invent time travel, cyborg immortality is a retirement plan that even the average joe can afford if he saves up for it; so organ failure isn't the problem it used to be.  You'll have to suffer looking older, of course, but only until you save up enough cash for silicone transdermal replacement.



Myth #5:  You Couldn't Eat Anything

You spend a few weeks in quarantine before the jump, feeling like shit while you get gassed with every noxious germ they think might have existed back then; and then a week getting all of your anachronistic germs stripped by nanobots, so by the time you're ready to go you wonder if all the diarrhea was worth it.

It isn't.



Myth #4:  Nobody Would be able to Understand You

Over six million period-and-culture-appropriate language codexes exist in the database.  This seems like it would be enough, but the one that was available for circa-2007 jumpers back in my time apparently sounds like a "valley girl", seriously compromising your ability to be taken seriously as a supervillain.



Myth #3: No Matter Where You Go, You Don't Exist:

We have one guy who's only job is to go back in time and set up fake identities for jumpers.

His name is Frank, and he has a very large collection of fake mustaches.




Myth #2: You Would be Broke


If you're jumping post-eCommerce, there's accounts set up just for travellers (thanks, Frank). If you're jumping to pre-eCommerce times, there's always some wackjob who buried a shitload of money in his backyard and forgot about it. You look up in the database to find the appropriate timeframe and geographical coodinates and when you leave you put all the money you earned back in. The system works extremely well, as most jumpers have earned more during their stay than they took from the cache in the first place..


That's why viking hoards are always so fucking huge.






Myth #1: The Future is a Blind Leap

This one is correct.  I nearly broke my fucking nose because I fell face-first onto an ice-cream truck.  True story.

The 11th Swinton

There's buzz that Lady Gaga is going to make an appearance on Doctor Who, like Kylie Minogue  and Morrissey have done.

SMind you, Lady Gaga SEEMS like an obvious choice, but you're overlooking quite possibly the best potentially hostile queen of an alien planet EVER:


... Tilda Swinton

Those aren't strings.  They're CGI tentacles.

... and with it I SHALL RULE THE WORLD!  HAHAHAHA!

Couldn't be worse than ANOTHER goodamn Cybermen episode.

He had it Coming to Him

Click through for the widescreen version.  The chop-off doesn't do it justice.

Fixed.

This is Why You're Screwed, America.

You guys are doing just fine in producing large numbers of children who are enthusiastic about math and science (they're disproportionately white, but that'll be fixed in a few generations when you're all beige).  Seriously, with the coming geek boom, this will not be a problem.

The reason you're screwed is that these kids know that there's no jobs waiting for them once they graduate, and they know it.  Why spend your 20s, 30s, even your 40s chasing vanishingly small grants that you're statistically not going to get?  Your peak years are spent not researching of hypothesizing.  They're spent sweating bullets hoping that you'll have a job for the next six months.

I hope you like unemployment, kids!

The alternative is being a lab assistant to a university scientist who actually scored a grant, working elbow to elbow with the other poor schmucks who are vainly hoping that this low-wage monkey work will all lead to a tenured professorship.

Statistically, it won't.

You're happy, though, because your less fortunate peers aren't employed at all.

Your degree in Biology has left you about as employable as the guy who majored in Art History, except your new boss is going to think you're a real fuck-up since you're working customer service and not out molesting salamanders like a "real scientist".

Sweet sweet salamander love

When the peoples of the world are united under the benevolent command of ROACH, science is sexy and makes good economic sense.

Until then, here's a tiny violin for the next generation of American patriots, who will wonder why all the cool stuff is coming out of Brazil.  You shoulda employed all those geniuses when you still had them.

Sith City

How do I know that Jet City is a city of villains?  Because when the neighborhood peep show theater closes, FUCKING STORMTROOPERS SHOW UP.

Also, Mixsae.

Buy Original Venture Brothers Art, Donate to The Colbert Nation's Gulf of America Fund

Buy This:

And the Money Goes to This:

And maybe we can bump up the timeline on this motherfucker.



UPDATE:  Everything's sold, in record time (Venture Brothers + Colbert = Irresistible) but check back on Monday when new eBay-style interface and new merch goes up!

A Hero Emerges to Fight Villainess Lady Gaga

Everyone's favorite bisexual nymphomaniac dwarf

We've established that Lady Gaga is almost certainly a supervillain, and Overlord has made her own findings on the subject, so it was only a matter of time before a Hero stepped forward to Arch her.

Yes, Tila Tequila has announced that she is here to stop Evil in the guise of Lady Gaga.


Tell us more, Tila.

I for one, was sent on earth from GOD. To be one of his ANGELS to try to help this world that is half light, and half dark. There is right now a crucial War between good and bad. I am on the GOOD side, and that is why they are always trying to get me. 

Tila Tequila is an angel "sent on earth" from God, locked in a war to end all wars with evil, and somehow this escaped the notice of every church ever.  Stop me if you've heard this one before.  Now, theological megalomania doesn't happen in a vacuum, so what happened to make you so upset, Tila?

Compare music video’s from back then until just now. VERY RECENTLY in the past few years. ESPECIALLY once Lady GaGa stepped on the scene, all the music video’s has turned very DARK & SATANIC! I am not joking.

If this poor girl only knew what was being shown on Headbanger's Ball back in the 80s, her head would explode.  Hell, if she even knew what Madonna was doing in the 90s, she'd probably suffer permanent neural damage.

So tell me more, Miss Tequila...

I don’t want to tell you all of what I know, RIGHT NOW, because “THEY” are watching. As a matter of fact, I had a HUGE battle with “THE OTHERS” for a long time and I must admit, they are powerful.

Uhhh... but this is on your public blog.

Hell, it's even on your goddamn twitter feed.

Please don’t take this as a joke. It is not and it is serious. The Government even now has a way to send out frequencies on your TV that you cannot hear, yet it highly affects your brain and mixed in with all the visuals from the music video’s, you become hypnotized without you even realizing this. That sounds crazy right? Well it is true. I have been studying about this for the past 7 years now and kept quiet about it for a long time, except when I chat with other groups of people I know that also know about “THE OTHERS” if I told you the ENTIRE THING, it will really blow your mind away, but I feel it is SO IMPORTANT for people to know what is happening to them.

Right, about that, I know that the concept of Tele-Vision can be hard to grasp, but even Bjork is okay with TVs now, so there's really not anything to...

This all leads to the urgency of what the Government knows about the 2012 theory of the World Ending. It’s not exactly what you think. There is a lot more to it, I wish I could tell you, but like I said, I will post more blogs to hint to you little by little of what I know and who I have come in contact with to find out even MORE stuff about this. 

And you can't tell us about it all in one post, why?

I don’t want to tell you all of what I know, RIGHT NOW, because “THEY” are watching. As a matter of fact, I had a HUGE battle with “THE OTHERS” for a long time and I must admit, they are powerful. But there needs to be someone, anyone, to stand up against them and for our world to be restored back into peace and harmony once again.

Right.  Let me know how that turns out for you.

Today's Hysteria: Technology is Making You Stupid

No, it isn't.

If you find yourself not being able to "concentrate" because of technology, close your IM programs, silence your cellphone, and put some effort into, you know, trying to concentrate.  Don't blame the return of the fidgety habits you had when you were six years old on today's triflingly interruptive technology.  Your fidgety habits returned because you stopped trying to concentrate.

Worse, you set up situations that you KNOW will murder productivity: encouraging friends to IM you anytime they're bored (which will be ALL THE TIME once they realize that you're the go-to person for entertaining them), having the TV on in the same room (it's television producers' job to make their programming impossible to look away from), and having in-browser buttons to addictive websites just centimeters away from where you're supposed to be concentrating (it doesn't take long for your eye to drift, which gets your brain thinking "Hey, I wonder if anyone has commented on my status update...?").

Don't get me started on "Multi-tasking".  Show me a good multi-tasker and I'll show you someone who's absolute shit at getting anything done.

Dear Katy,

I'm just as surprised as you are that Wonder Woman went through a short Bubbleyum Gum Rebranding phase back in the early 90s.

Let's not ever discuss this again.


Radioactively,
Beryllium

The Next Big Thing in 3D Computer-Generated Art

You should be very excited... my timetable said this wasn't coming out for another ten years, and Adobe was going to charge $230 for it.

This guy did it for free.

Betty-wan Kenobi

My first reaction was "There can be only one", but this works too.

The Culprit has Been Found!

Britney Spears strikes again.  

Tea Krulos Sighting

Look at Tycho's cup.  Click on it and LOOK AT IT.

That is all.